I am terrified to write about you
I am terrified to write about you. I’m afraid to put such raw emotions onto a piece of paper. There are so many things in my heart, so many things I’ll never want to tell you. I don’t want to break the thin layer of bubble you are. I feel sorry for myself, for being the one to apologize for everything.
I am sorry for the distance between us. I’m sorry for the weather because it wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sorry for all the storms that came, which was definitely something I could never control. I’m sorry for saying sorry. You ask me why I’m sorry for everything, and the only reason I can give is because I feel responsible for your happiness.
We had the world, you know. Do you even remember? Way before we hit the two-year mark, you told me every single day that you loved me. You told me I was beautiful, and that you can’t live a life without me. We spent every free class together. You bought me chocolates, and we’d celebrate every little thing that was worth celebrating like the time you got the level 2 badge. We had sweet walks in the gardens in the afternoon, and non stop texting that lasted all night. We had all the silly adventures from the North to the South. Do you even remember?
Suddenly, those things stopped. I guess it was all my fault for caring too much. It was so hooked up on what people were thinking that i lost the originality of our connection. It was my fault for caring the way people thought about you and I in university. I was suffocated from all this emotional distress coming from the way people would whisper things about me when ever i passed them.
Our secrets weren’t secrets anymore. I fell apart and so did we. I felt like I was the only one that was hurting. I didn’t realize you were hurting just like I was. And I left you. I left you on the cold hard ground, alone. I was thinking about my happiness. When I realized that my happiness was you, I couldn’t believe I just threw it all away because I was too selfish.
I have to admit, I was the most selfish person here. I left you and that was enough reason for you to leave me when I came back running to your arms. I tried to work things out. But it was never the same. I guess you stopped trying and finally got to know that i was not worth all of the struggle you went through. Now i say those three words more often than when we were together and you were begging to hear them but i guess it is too late now. You started prioritizing your work and your friends more than me and finally got to move on while i am still standing on that traffic less road waiting for the green signal. Before this, we would see each other once, twice or even thrice a week. Now? We hardly ever see each other. I am afraid that one day i might forget about you and this thought drives me to insanity.
You are still my favorite person in the world. Am I yours? And thinking about all these things makes me terrified to write about you.