I asked myself a dozen times why I couldn’t write about you. Or, more specifically why I couldn’t write the heart-fluttering good stuff about you. The only 2 times that I wrote over than span of our relationship, it was all heartbreaking and painful stuff. I guess I didn’t know the end wasn’t gonna be happy. That’s why never an inch of happiness inked out of my pen. I go back and think it over and see how mistreated I was and how you sucked out all of my energy with that attention need and how It was so off balance. All the relationship was about giving you the love and attention you needed in your own particular ways yet not getting anything back.
It’s funny that a super passionate person and a homebody of emotions get stuck with an emotionally unmatured individual devoid of emotions. A person who is all about material gains and has only vision about their success and goals. These kinds of people are the ones who will walk over to you to get to their destination. You are just a means to their ends. If they won’t get those specific benefits out of you or If you restrict them not to let them use you that way, they will walkway.
I blame myself for not realizing that you were just a greedy little man, all this time, I mistook you for being aim oriented, yet you were just money oriented. And that my friend is the worst thing in my dictionary. You chose money over our relationship, you chose to use that blood money company over us, and you chose my love over your devil-worshipping gang. Those six months just wrecked every fiber of my being, and I was left with little to nothing regarding my energy. All I wanted was someone to care for me to show me they loved me without there being a money or greed variable. I thought we wanted the same things, just someone loyal enough not to leave your side, someone who is cheering for you when you are out there struggling, someone who is by your side when you are feeling down. Yet In all these instances, I came rushing for you and was beside your side, gave my 100%, and the moment I needed anything, you only gave me heartbreaks and punchy lines like “I won’t be there for you” or “I don’t feel anything for you,” and I don’t love you… Even though you apologized later on, saying you said all of that in anger, so many apologies, yet every time you did exactly the same. I should have realized that It was your true self, but hey, I don’t leave anyone unless they tell me face to face…Not a quitter. And when you finally said that casually not even over a fight, just a month prior to us having it all legal. Like it was nothing to you, like your promises to my mother weren’t of any matter. You kept saying that It was what we both wanted and It was our decision to end it, and I corrected you again and again that no, It’s all you. I am not saying anything. I just asked you this one thing…. Do you want to stay with me and continue, or do you want to leave…and I guess your answer was pretty clear 🙂
At that moment, I felt nothing, numb, cold as ice. I was supposed to go to a family party later on. I couldn’t even cry while putting on my lipstick; I just let out a long sigh. Those were some intense months of torture. I respected you when we ended things; at least you had the audacity to say that directly over those 18 minutes of the call. But what followed was nothing more than shameful. How you started playing the victim over the status blame game and how you were only interested in the company details when it had been 2-3 days since we had split. The very next hour, you started posting about that devil shit, and It became evident to me that all this time you were just pretending to be someone else; after the second fight when I told you I didn’t want to do business with you as I think It will strain our relationship, I should have known It wasn’t long before you pull off this love facade. And you did. Eh, anyways, I just learned another lesson from this era, always make sure not to tell anyone you date your business side or share anything related. Wait, at least until you know it’s solid.
People have the audacity of calling you baby/wife and then taking it as easy as it was nothing. The anger I felt his time was very different, I wasn’t vengeful, but for a minute, I wanted to burn everything that had your traces. But somehow, I managed to get past that. Because I did;t want that hate to consume me, I wanted to have nothing for you, absolutely you feeling at all, especially not a strong one as hate. So I did my best to forgive you….Yeah, I forgive you for anything; I hope one day, when you realize your toxicity, you can forgive yourself too. Cause trust me, that guilt will haunt you forever. Good luck to you; print all the dollar bills you want!
Men after paper belong to no one. Ladies, always keep that in mind.
