Thoughts

Story of a Million Tears

Hearts are strange , you never know when and what they ll want. A thing you might despise now , your heart will yearn the very next day.  And the thing about it , is that you have to comply with its wishes otherwise you have to face swear agony.  And if you have an impulsive mind like me which negates your heart’s wishes , you ll have to face the colors every other day.

So the story begun’s with a guy , who loved me with all his heart, while i did not. How could i? I had never seen his face. At first he claimed to know me , and did stalk me on social media  for a long period. the way i got to know about his presence was when he tagged me in a romantic post. When i got the notification , i was confused at first that who this guy was as i had no one in the friends list with that particular name and neither his request was accepted by me. So i opened his profile to see who he was. This guy had everything put in place that negated my profile plus he was from my university. I had the alternative name set to Negative One and he used Positive One and so  from every cover photo of mine to every other public post , he had a witty comeback for each one. It seemed like that whole profile was based around me. Everything pointed finger at me. Even all of my likes were copied and liked by him. And his friend list , let’s say it had few of my friends too. I was pissed off  seeing this and to put a cherry on top , he had no photos anywhere, a typical fake id. Somewhere amidst this i was curious too as to whom he was. So i decided to leave him a message and inquire what he wanted, upon clicking on the message button , i was directed to the chatbox where i had few messages from him which were unseen as they were in the message requests among others. So that’s what i did , i left him a bashful response regarding his behavior. And then i got some messages from him , ever so polite, a striking contrast to my rude inquiries. According to him , we had an intense eye connection that made him fall in love with him and he believed it was intentional.To me this was a joke , like who falls in love with just an eye connection? I asked for a picture , which he refused  saying he would meet face to face after vacations. So the banter continued for a while and at last i blocked him. Few days went by and i got curious  about him , who he was , where was he from , is he real or some friend of mine making fun of me. So i had another id and i looked him up and there he was still on his ways, copying and replying to my stuff and keeping tabs on me. This got me thinking that there is something different about this , i did block him and he is still doing that stuff after so many days. So i went back in my other id and put up a cover photo and conveyed some ruthless throwbacks. And to my surprise the very next day , when i looked up his id , he had a response there, To every rude statement , he had a beautiful and loving response. This game started and everyday i used to change my cover photo and wait for his to change accordingly. 2 Months regularly this happened. Now i was very curious to know more about him, my cousin had an idea, she took a picture of a track playing on sound cloud but on the top left corner it had my id showing. The idea was to provide him a platform where he could contact me again and then i can somehow get in touch with him. As i had him blocked on this platform and if i unblocked him , it might seem desperate.  The plan worked beautifully , very next day i had a message on that platform from him. First  2-4 weeks were spent in argument, he would make me remember that moment and his face , while i was firm on my point that i had never seen him before. Between this chaos , vacations were over.  University life started and i was busy yet again. I had a doubt that he had me mixed with someone else but like every other doubt it was cleared soon , when upon daily basis he would tell me what i was wearing , whom i was strolling around , who my best friend was and what i was doing at a certain time. And when i asked him how did he know all this, he would say that he was right there around me. This got me paranoid for a while, every other guy i see staring at me , i had my mind running on ; what if this guy is him. This again went for weeks, i used to get hints from him , like what shirt he was wearing today and what color he had on today but nothing worked.

One day i was passing by with my friend and as i passed by a group of guys , i noticed a shirt in the back, it was the same shirt the guy sent me a week ago when he was wearing that time. Instead of stopping and taking a look at him , i fastened my pace and went 2 units block ahead. This time i stopped but didn’t turn around. I asked my friend to turn and take a look at the guy wearing mustard shirt , black jeans and white shoes and see who he was and what he looked like. And she did, according to her, all the other guys left him and now in the hallway at one end were us and the other end was where he was standing and looking direct at us. My friend said that it is him indeed and asked me to turn around. I don’t know what happened but i had my heart beating so fast that if i had turned around that time , i might have died of a heart attack. Later in he evening i got a message from him inquiring why didn’t i turn around and i made an excuse. After that day, my friend pointed at him whenever he was around and this way i got to see the face behind those beautiful words that he wrote to me daily. We became friends and soon this friendship evolved into much more, he still claimed to be in love with me but i denied my feelings, there were some but not that many that could break the wall around my heart. This kind of friendship was different , this was addictive. The more we got to know about each other, the more we craved.

 

This sweet bliss went around for 2 and half years, closing around to three. There were at times when i got cranky and broke off friendship with him , just because he wanted to be around  more or text me more. I had my fair share of mood swings but no matter how i reacted and what i did , he stood loyal by my side and handled the matter beautifully and never left me. I had this undying faith in him secretly that even if everybody leaves me, he would be there. And i was 100% sure of this. Secretly i had planned and i knew in my heart that he was the one but my adventurous nature wanted something new and temporary because i knew he wouldn’t leave me no matter what i would do and he was the permanent one, even though i wasn’t madly in love with him , i just loved him and to me that counted.

 

He was a true gentleman, always took care of me, made me laugh and obeyed my every single wish and always showed his love for me and like always i would ignore the sentiment. I don’t know what i was waiting for even though i knew he was the one. I guess i wanted to explore the world more before settling. And i knew for sure that if i commit with him now , this will be a commitment for whole life, because you cannot fall out of love with a guy  like him. So i delayed it the best i could.

 

Amidst this all , i met a guy , whose thoughts were a lot like mine. His writing was raw and beautiful and his wit attracted me. We got in conversation and it felt good. I started ignoring him for this guy and it went like this for a while, i ignored him a lot and whenever we had the chance to talk i would fight. Moreover my best friend never liked him so when i was in convo with the writer guy, she used to reply to his messages stating that he should stop bugging me along with some inappropriate texts. I knew what was happening but i was so involved with the other thing that i never cared. Distance started developing between us but he still cared about me  and stayed with me. That time somehow somebody started harassing me on cyber space and not only me but the writer guy too. The guy received Some threats to stop texting me, at first it was on Facebook only but then i also got a text too. I was a bit worried regarding that. Exactly that time i got a message from my friend(him) that somebody texted him and threatened him too. Now this time i got confused that if someone got my number , how did they get his number too. He was a very tech savvy person and he knew some hacking too, plus making a whats app account of USA isn’t a big deal for a person intelligent as him and he was possessive about me. On top of that everybody in my circle from my friends to my best friends said it was indeed him and he is doing only this because this way i wont get to close with the other guy and he would also be a victim and i couldn’t point finger at him. That all made sense that time and i was very furious. I had a blindfold on my eyes because of this anger that i forgot everything he did for me , who he was for me and how much i loved him and destroyed everything between us. I broke off with him completely and even went to this limit to call him a two face person and a bastard. Now he had no connection with me. In his last text he wrote a lot of things and considered me to think this all over again and pleaded that it wasn’t him and made a promise that he will be back soon.

 

That time i was glad of what i did, although i had a stinging ache in my heart but i never allowed it to overcome me. Days passed and i started missing him, we used to text each other all the time and share everything that when i came across a post and tried to share it with him , that is when i remembered that we were no longer in touch. My subconscious still craved for his presence.  I tried fighting that feeling for a while and it did not help. The more i tried to pretend to be happy the sadder i got. So i waited for him , cause he said that he would comeback. 3 months passed like this and there was no sign of him, no single message, no call , nothing. i was in total misery. Finally i mustered up some courage and texted him. I apologized and asked him to forgive me. For the first time, i received a cold response from him and it broke my heart. This was when i realized that what a blessing i had and how selfish i had been to refuse that all. He did forgive me even tough. I thought this was all, eventually he would be fine with me and we will be friends like we were. But i didn’t get any messages after that from him , so i asked him why and he said he did not want to continue anything with me now. This was the break point that knocked the wind out of me and i felt an immense pang in my chest. Because this person was mine for whole life , someone who would be there for every mood swing of mine and stay with me throughout thick and thin. I never in a million years would have thought that this might happen. So saving my face i said okay and left him alone. In a few days my last semester started. We had regular interactions , i used to see him more often now either it was his purpose or destiny but it worked , i started missing him more and more and hurted me a lot. Those months were so tough that i barely slept those nights and in the day i somehow had this smile on my face to show i was doing good without him and it didn’t affect me while it did immensely. So months went by and i grew impatient and one day i vowed to go to him in person and talk this out. And i did , whole day i had spent so much time in thinking up what i would say. i had planned this whole conversion hundred times a day and conjured up so many responses , all positive of them. I thought that if he sees what an effort i am making , he will come around and we will be friends again . Before this day i had sent him so many messages , emails and voice mails in those months that i thought this meeting in person would seal the deal. But the opposite happened. At first he refused to talk , he was sitting in the cafeteria with this friends when i approached him to talk, this took me 50 tries, circling around his table and at the end moment deflecting from him but finally i managed to reach him. When i insisted for a talk, he stood up and i took him to a peaceful area, this was the closest proximity we had been in months. All of the speeches that i prepared were lost and i forgot what to say. I was so scared of losing him that i forgot what to say. With stammer i asked him , can we go back to being friends and to that he responded, this was your choice not mine. So i asked him about the promises he made to never leave me no matter what and said that they were all a joke and with that he walked away. I stood there teary eyed watching him go back to his friends. That day for the second time in my life my heart broke and this was a lot worse than before. Triple than before.

 

This is when i fell madly in love with him , strange right? He wasn’t even there when it happened. The tree words he begged me to say when we were together were said so often now looking at our pictures. I lost interest in myself , others,  my friends and everything that fascinated me back then. The fact that we don’t see each other now and the fact that he doesn’t puts up pictures makes me insane that what if i lost my phone , i would forget in the years to come how he looked like and how he sounded like. The thought of forgetting him drives me crazy. Every place i go , every person i meet, dramas, movies , everything has his name plastered on it, before this his name wasn’t even that common and now its like everywhere. It’s been an year we broke off our friendship but i still get dreams with him in it and it feels so real and then i wake up to reality and its no more. I would give anything to get him back, because i know i won’t get anyone  so loving like him and as mentioned before, he is a guy that you cannot fall out of love from.

 

I am sorry. I love you , I miss you and i want you back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

admin
An impulsive and impatient personality who has the most bizarre ideas related to this world and beyond. I sketch , paint and write to burn my thoughts, this is the only thing i feel peace at.I am an avid dreamer in the day, an aspiring novelist by the night, hopeless romantic & a certified bookworm. Books provide me an escape from this world , aside from that i am a boxer, who loves to knock out teeth for anger release. And yeah football is my passion!

0

Leave a Response