Why is there a need for boundries or rules. Can’t you be just happy with someone you love? Why do that person has to come out from a specific mould? Can’t it be any person?
I was scared of losing her. But that didn’t happen. Instead i saw her soul closer to mine when her deal was dealt with the devil himself. And all i could was stare. I couldn’t save her… i couldn’t keep her with me and i couldn’t do anything to stop it.
Just when you think that things are finally esclating towards something good and something better. They run down a hill. I consider myself a very strong individual, someone who can bear any loss and stand strong. Someone whose heart has been played over infinite times yet she still looks out for love. But i guess i wasn’t strong enough when i heard her cries. Muffled sobs over the digital line and her helpless state wrecked my world in seconds and i found myself in pool of tears in a long time. I wanted to stop the world. I wanted to wreck and smash everything in it. I wanted to kill myself. I couldn’t do anything to stop her pain, i couldn’t fuckin stop it.
Sometimes i wish there had been magic in this world or maybe a genie that grants you 3 wishes. I would without a doubt use all three for her hapiness. I have always put her above my needs and above my self. I remember the time we made plans to save up for an apartment to live together when we were 17 and sitting on the roof top at 2 am. I wish i could have taken that seriously in terms of finance. And the time when you had my name tattoed on your palm. Or when you were there to bandage my foolish cuts on my arms and stomach and scolded me like hell…while the next week you did that to youself. Or the time when we just use to nap together cause that was the best sleep one can get. Gosh i miss those times…. i miss seeing the smile on your face. I hate how you hide your tears all the time when we are together and pretend that you are happy and he is keeping you happy. While that is the total opposite. I wish i could take that misery and agony away from you but i just feel so helpless. Makes me want to kill myself. And now that you haved stopped pretending and came honest with me. I cannot stop my brain from replaying those cries and heart renching sobs. I wish i could do something…. i wish. It’s waiting that if something happens to you… i am gonna shoot myself. The only thing left is the wait now.