Ever felt like you are going in rounds and things keep repeating and then out of a sudden you want nothing but to break that circle. It’s like you get so sick of experiencing the same heartache over and over again that you tap out – like those wrestlers in the ring when they can’t take anymore. it feels like this exactly, hand-banging on the floor tapping out loud, begging for life to end it cause now it’s gotten out of your control.
That connection, those raw feelings, and then the heartache. It’s like a pattern that has been sticking around for more than it should. You meet, you connect, you share your soul, your time, your music taste, what you like to eat, which movies are your favorite, your intimate childhood stories. It’s basically like you’re tearing a part of your soul and giving it to them. And then the world turns upside down and you are required to go along with the drama silently as if you are strangers. You open yourself up just to get closed off again. Every time you hope that this is the last time you’ll tell someone how you like your pizza toppings to be or which music thrives in your soul. But then it turns out it wasn’t the last time and you are expected to open up for the next encounter.
Why do people intend to open up when they have no intention to explore it onwards. Why do they persist in the start and beg for your attention and basically get attached when they have no plans to move ahead. You can tell yourself how much that it was just fun or getting to know, but they know deep in their hearts with the guilt that they carry around. It’s like a doctor asking you to open your bandage to see how the wound is and then afterward leaving without replacing it with a new bandage. It’s like you are required to look after yourself cause hey he just asked you to remove the bandage, he didn’t promise to make it better or do a new bandage. Cause hey it’s a tough world unless someone says it out loud, you cannot hold them accountable. You cannot ask them about the unspoken promise their soul initiated or the vibe that their eyes spoke. Or hey maybe you were just crazy enough to accept someone’s unspoken words.
When you beg internally for no more games that’s when life brings you into the marathon of games. Mind fucking games, where the blame is on you instead of on their own actions. So how many times does your soul is required to be ripped off before you finally find the doctor? Or is it suppose to go on like this until there is none left? The irony here is that in order to find these answers, you’ll have to continue the circle and find out yourself. Maybe you’ll survive or maybe not. Knock knock… guess there is someone at the door….where is that mask of happiness of mine? Should I open the door again or should I seal it shut for eternity after all I am over it right?
