C’est la vie
It makes me angry, so angry that we could have had the world if we could have fought for it. I am angry at my self and you. I am angry at you for rushing things and I am angry at my self who got afraid of commitment like always. I thought this time it would be different, I thought this time was my last time of being vulnerable. I try to make sense of it all but it doesn’t make any sort of sense. Couldn’t we had a normal timeline where people meet, they become friends, they get into a relationship, stay in that for a while figure out each other, their likes and dislikes, move into something more serious and then commit for a future together. How could we have crossed all that in just 6 months? I wanted to stay in that mid-phase for a while, I wanted to savor and experiment with all those emotions fully before that final line. There are days when I am fine and going through all the healing but then there are some nights where I relapse and think those moments over and over again thinking of things that we could have done differently. My hand is always itching to write to you but then I control those emotions somehow. I wish I could be mature like the other party where they just make decisions in a snap, but the thing is I am not and I cannot just make such decisions in such a short amount of time. Having been through hell with the past relations one tends to get scared with such big decisions and someone who has serious commitment issues I sometimes think how surprisingly I took that info that time even though it didn’t work out for that long and I snapped. People with anxiety tend to be like that and when they are not 100% sure, they rethink everything thousands of times and ask themselves those questions that did they make the right decision. I hate myself for having these insecurities and childish mind, but I only just needed time. But then again we don’t always get what we desire and I need to learn this.