Thinking out Loud
It’s a one in a hundred shot that the person you like likes you back in return. I have been through a lot of these circumstances where i liked somebody and they didn’t return the affection and where someone else liked me and i didn’t bother returning those feelings. And life went on in turmoil. But there are rare cases when you get into something that is mutual and you can feel the intensity of it deep in your heart. Without anything said , without any official reassurance you somehow know in your heart that yes this is the person that you want to be with and yes this person reflect back your feelings as well. Those who have been in love before can understand this feeling of knowing that connection. Because when your heart chooses someone it doesn’t let you find happiness or perfection in anyone else. It doesn’t see what that person has to offer you, or if it’s the right time or if you can find a more successful match then this or choose something that’s more compatible with you. It’s like the heart wants what it wants.
I look back and ponder on everything and think about it. Like i never wanted anything, neither did i reach out but then out of sudden some things happened and now it’s like this is what i have yearned for all my life. How can a person that you have just gotten to know in the past few months would make such a drastic effect on you. Why does this feel so intense that pulling back aches your heart. You keep yourself distracted with friends , family and work but then at the end of the day when you are all alone by yourself they pop up again in your mind and thoughts. One thing that i will never understand is that how can you stop this thing, because the only thing that makes it bearable is just keeping yourself busy through the day.
You try to be as light headed as you can be. Giving up all your thoughts and try to be patient. But then your mind ponders is it really worth it? Am i the only one crazy enough to just work along with little hints? Are they really interested or is it just a game to them. I have been a part of so many games from precious endeavors that it tears me apart thinking this would be one too. Why can’t my heart understand that and just pick something that’s easy and available? Why does it has to be that person who isn’t even sure about me or if he is then he must be too shy of a person.
It was nice for a while when i thought this had some potential or this was something special. But this hot and cold , one minute being there and other just abandonment, screams that the person is confused as hell. Is consistency too hard to provide? Is just a clear flag too much to give, so that it clears out the air. You want time , you want to self construct then say so. Or if you want nothing at all then say so as well, maybe this time my heart went wrong and didn’t pick up the signal correctly. You want me to be there for you and wait , hell i will do so but there has to be a clear sign for that. Cause when i make up my mind with a heavy heart to move on or try to do so , i could feel the blame and guilt emerging from you as if i am betraying you. People always think that their pain and hurt is superior than yours and you are always the villain of their story.
It’s hard for me as well, it’s fucking hard! To sit and ponder if you still feel the same for me or if what i got the vibe from you was correct. It hurts to think and think and come to no conclusion…this all makes my heart wonder if i ll ever be able to find love in this whirlpool of a world.
There are seasons in every part of life and i have this firm belief that after every hurt and sorrow the happiness follows and just pretend to be happy until you actually are, after all you do attract the same energy you give you. So it’s like fake it till you make it. Maybe there a season that is just ours or maybe there’s a season where you are happy and i am happy but not together. I think the important part that i believe is that if you do have those sincere feelings then only the happiness of that person matters. For me? Well i ll take this as another lesson with a half smile on my face and wish you well. Some people are just meant to give only 🙂